The Dukedom of Earl
by Cainomed
Summary: Kind of a crossover. This story didn't seem to fit into any other category, but it does include one or two parodies, which are just crossovers with more origional consonant selection.
1. Chapter 1

Olaf, Oliff, Oren and Ozwüld were the only ones awake at this godforsaken hour. They had all been prudent in leaving the manor to hunt for their wives and children. They had been even more prudent in bringing their bows, arrows, and traps with them. They had been foolish in bringing their whiskey with them, even if it was Kel'Thazud's Hearty Brew™. While whiskey was warming for a moment, it actually constricted the blood vessels, causing greater chill in the long run. Another region, of greater importance, that was stricken by alcohol was the _Medulla Oblongata_. Unfortunately, this is the area of judgment and inhibition. To be struck here was to be struck in the very soul. As a result of this, the hunters paid no heed to the fact that they were wandering blindly between borders they were not supposed to even know the existence of.

Olaf, Oliff, Oren, and Ozwuld caroused about the countryside, laughing, talking, and boisterizing loudly. They eventually collapsed in a safe-looking wooded area.

"Walp, Ozwuld," Olaf said, "Wot've 'e cot?" Ozwuld looked puzzled for a moment. His lifelong friend had never before had a Scottish accent. Oren and Oliff looked ready to testify to this fact. Olaf also looked puzzled.

"Wot're yeh so flabbergasted fer?" Olaf glared expectantly at his friends.

"umm… Olaf?" Ozwüld gathered enough courage to speak.

"Ya, wot?"

"your… accent,"

"wot aboot it?"

"it's um… it's no big deal really, it's just that you're not Scottish,"

"eh?"

"yeah, Olaf, you just started talking like a Scotsman there for minute, you know, from Scotland,"

This comment received even more whispered commentary from Oren and Oliff. Ozwüld noticed. Turning to them, he spoke, "What are you guys giving me whispered commentary for? Haven't any of you heard of Scotland before?"

They shook their heads in time to their rapid heartbeats. A moment of silence passed like the shade of a curse, howling on the wind. The chill of the night soon crept upon the four hunters, reaching its phantasmal fingers through their collection of furs and cloaks, strangling the whiskey from their souls. It was then that they realized just how far from home they had strayed. Oliff was the first to soften the silence.

"guys, I don't think we should be here," he whispered, afraid to be heard. Just outside his field of vision, shadows reached across vast expanses. Nightmares emerged and took their chances, "Seriously, guys, we need to get going,"

"Wot're ye so skeered aboot," Olaf said, trembling, "We've jes stumbled into a wee forest or summat,"

"No," sobbed Oliff, "We're in the Umbral Haven!" Throats gasped on a whim. There were far more than four of them. Oren's hunched form jolted upright, eyes aglaze. His three companions drew back from horror ablaze. The beast named Oren split its face in a grin. From its mouth poured the words in a language of sin.

"WTF n00bzors, R U gunna fli or I gotta pwn u?" the Shadows and Nightmares chattered to themselves triumphantly. They withdrew poetically, taking their rhymes with them.

Oliff was the most frightened. The other two seemed relatively impassive. Oliff looked at them, and saw something lurking behind their eyes, something so new that it would make any ancient horror crawl back into its cavern and close up shop for the season. This new threat welcomed the Beast named oren with open arms, and Olaf and Ozwuld embraced the change. They didn't have any choice.

Oliff got up and tried to run, but he was caught up by something hot and dark. As he fell, his screams were covered by the sweating hands of Olaf and Ozwuld. Blood trickled along the ground with a note of a book closing for the last time.

That same night, things were anything but quiet at the hidden citadel of Gur'Damad. The Lord Magus of Gur' Damad, whose name shall not be uttered, was wide awake at this godforsaken hour. He strode the citadel's halls, scanning floor and walls for whatever gruesome catch he sought. His crooked, nose, and grim silver hair seemed out of place among his young visage. His eyes, burning blue, penetrated the smothering darkness. He sought throughout the endless hallways of Gur'Damad for what seemed like hours, before his advance was abruptly halted.

_Thud!_

"Ow!" said the figure from the place where he had fallen, "Watch where you're going next time, okay!" There, in the darkness before him, another figure was recumbent on the stone floor. It looked up, and spoke.

"M-Maddrik? Is that you?" The Lord Magus blinked at recognition of his name, and responded.

"Yeah, Garbin? What are you doing up at this time of night?" The figure known as Garbin stood up.

"I was about to ask you that very same question," he said.

"I'm, uh, looking for something," Maddrik admitted sheepishly. The robed figure of Garbin drew closer, coming into view. He was tall, and also fairly young, but where Maddrik's form hinted at stormy gray, this one seemed to be all sky blue, or dirt brown, depending on his mood.Maddrik was the Lord Magus of Gur'Damad, and Garbin was the High Wizard.They both walked with the air of magicians about them, but while Maddrik's power was derived from dead spirits and tears in the space-time continuum, Garbin chose the elements of nature as his allies. Both of them had known each other for years, had attended the same school of sorcery, and both of them took up summer jobs as eastern restaurant workers.

"What is it you're looking for?"

"Well, uh," Maddrik wavered uneasily, then gave in, "I kinda lost my robe,"

Through the thick darkness, Garbin glared stoically.

"Again?" he heaved, "That's the third time this week, Maddrik,"

"I know,"

"How'd you lose it _this_ time? Give me the full story,"

"Well, you know those things that rule over everyone?"

"Hm? Oh, yes I do, they're called Kings,"

"Right, them, well, I was summoned by one. He wanted me to--"

"--What the hell are you talking about, Maddrik? Earl is ruled by a Duke, there is no king!"

"Yeah, well, this was the King of the Fairy world,"

"_Fairie _world,"

"yeah, whatever, so this King of Fairie world summoned me to partake in a noble quest,"

"okay, where is this Fairie world,"

Maddrik looked confused for several seconds, then, "Well, I don't know, no one knows,"

"So," Garbin responded, "You mean to tell me that this Fairie King guy summoned _you_, Maddrik, Warlock-at-large, to do a noble quest?"

"yes,"

"how did he talk to you then?"

"he was a_ magic_ Fairie king…"

Garbin looked bluntly at his colleague. Maddrik looked bluntly at Garbin. There were a few moments of deathly silence.

"Well he was,"

"Nevermind that, Maddrik, just tell me where your robe is, so that we can find it,"

"Well, that's really the point of me narrating the story of how I lost it, Garbin. Anyway, this Fairie prince--"

"--King,"

"whatever. He summons me and asks me to partake on a noble quest to rescue his daughter,"

"Well was there a Fairie queen?"

"no, I don't think so,"

"Then how can there be a daughter," It wasn't a question, it was a discovered Checkmate

Maddrik pondered this for a few moments.

"I dunno… Fairie hookers? It's not important. So I go out to find the Fairie King's daughter, and as it turns out, when I rescue her, she really warms up to me. I mean, _really_ warms up to me,"

Garbin's jaw dropped, "_You left your robe in the hands of some Fairie princess who's in a distant fairie world that no one knows about?"_

"Oh, no. The Fairies turned out to be demons in disguise. The princess tried to kill me… with fire. My robe's here in Gur'Damad. I think I lost it in the wash somewhere. I just wanted to bounce ideas off of you for my next story,"

If you were told that the fate of the Dukedom of Earl rested on Maddrik's shoulders, you would most certainly laugh, which is probably why this story is a comedy.


	2. Chapter 2

Gur'Damad, rested safely within the foliage of Umbral Haven forest. The Haven was supposedly a place of darkness and horrific beings roamed the woods in search of things to eat (humans) and sometimes they looked for things to recycle into decomposable industrial materials (also humans), but they always carried with them something profitable. For this reason, long ago, young men and women were occasionally born with the drive and courage to venture into the Umbral Haven and slay these beasts. These young men and women were affectionately referred to by each other as Adventurers. Everyone else just yelled at them for wasting their time with childish fancies and that they should get to work plowing the fields like productive people do. These Adventurers were, to the displeasure of everyone else, encouraged by the Duke of Earl to continue with their adventures throughout the Dukedom, because there were always plenty of dragons to slay, secret caves to explore, and evil warlords to thwart. Thus, the Adventurers continued adventuring, and in the process they gathered many treasures that were soon squandered on food and goods for their families. The end result of this was the merchants were receiving all of the treasure the Adventurers worked so hard to get, and eventually no one felt like adventuring anymore.

Shortly after this happened, the Duke of Earl commissioned a company of workers to protect the Adventuring business from becoming just another facet in trade. This company became known as the Venture Corp. and began quite well. However, as time went by, they realized that they had control of the lifeblood of any Fantasy setting. They began issuing permits and tariffs on Adventures, causing the number of Adventurers to steadily decrease from spirit crushed beneath several tons of red tape. As Adventurers became less numerous, the monsters and evil warlords spawned from Umbral Haven ran amok unchecked. The Duke, himself, was worried about this, for without thousands of sword-swinging, spell-casting Adventurers keeping things under control for the fun of it, he'd have to actually do something and raise an army to defend his vast demesne.

To prevent this need, a small band of Adventurers rose to power and offered to aid the Duke in his time of need. He gave them permission to take up spell and steel in the name of the Duke and fight Venture Corp. behind the scenes for the sake of Free Enterprise and the Little Guy in Adventuring.

Despite this fact, the small band fighting for the Little Guy were not gnomes, dwarves, wee folk, or imps of any sort. In the true spirit of Laissez-Faire, the small band was made entirely of the ingenious and cutthroat race known as Americans, er, Humans.

This secret group began to call itself the Laissez-faire Association of Mordant Pursuits. The members of LAMP took up residence within the great Citadel of Gur'Damad within the Umbral Haven forest. LAMP was kept relatively small to maintain secrecy, but it still had all of the titles that every vast conspiracy organization needs.

The Lord Magus and High Wizard were, in fact just sitting down to breakfast at the Great Hall table.

"Anyway," Maddrik said through a mouthful of bacon, "If we finish eating by the fourth hour and get outside to catch the maid we can probably get my robe from her before she makes it all the way to the Burningham wash pool," Garbin seemed to consider this for a few moments while he chewed his oatmeal. The Great Hall served many purposes. It was the place where LAMP ate all of its meals, the place where important matters were discussed among the council, and the tables and chairs could be moved aside to make a dance floor on Thursdays. It was a place to socialize, and a place in which to commune with others, and there were several other members of LAMP seated around the long table in the center, conversing over breakfast. Garbin was thinking about absolutely none of this, but instead he conferred with Maddrik about methods to get the Lord Magus' extravagant and unwarrantedly ominous robes back.

"Right," he said swallowing, "but there's one flaw in your plan,"

"What's that?"

"I am not going on a run through the _gauntlet_ of beasts in the Umbral Haven with you in your skivvies," Maddrik looked down, assessing himself. At this moment he was clad, rather sinisterly, in darkly colored boxers and a black wife beater shirt.

"Where'd you get that shirt, anyway?" Garbin asked, suddenly puzzled.

"You know, I can't quite remember. I've never seen clothing like it made in Earl before, either. To be honest, I just opened up my dresser this morning, and there it was,"

"hmmm," Garbin had reached a conclusion, and commentary, "it's like one of those things that cross over from another dimension and foretell of bad events on the horizon. I can't quite remember what they're called, though,"

"A harbinger?"

"yes, that's it,"

Maddrik assessed his black undershirt once more.

"you know," he said, "it doesn't look like it's doing much harbinging to _me_,"

It wasn't long before the Knight-Captain sat down next to them and joined the conversation.

"Hey guys," he said, armor clinking, "What's up?" Garbin looked up to greet him, Maddrik just started staring.

"not much, Dalron," Garbin said, "We're just going to go on a wild goose chase through the monster-laden Haven with Maddrik protected by nothing other than his boxers and undershirt,"

"Sounds fun, can I come and beat some monstrous faces in?"

"Sure, if you want, but we don't plan on going too far off the tra-- Maddrik, why are you staring at Dalron?" Maddrik's blue glowing eyes were fixed on Dalron inquisitively. Dalron thought he should answer.

"Yes, I do sleep in my armor, I find the sharp edges and heavy chain mail quite relaxing at night,"

"No, it's not that," Maddrik said, "What did you say when you first sat down with us?" Garbin looked puzzled again.

"He said 'hey guys', so what?"

"No," Maddrik rasped, "You said something else, after that," Dalron caught on.

"Oh," he said, "yeah, I say 'What's up' er…"

"Dalron, where did you hear that phrase?"

"Um, I don't know, I just kind of remembered it, that's all,"

"but you've never heard someone say that before. I haven't heard anyone say that before," Maddrik seemed to be genuinely frightened.

"You think it could be another harbinger?" Garbin said, with intensity.

"It definitely harbings, so yes, I think it is a harbinger,"

"That sounds eldritch, foreboding, ominous even," Dalron mused.

"Yes," said Garbin, "But we're going to get to the bottm of it, nonetheless!" He stood up and banged his fist on the table, spilling some of his oatmeal, "It's our job to keep this great land safe from peril!"

"Actually," Maddrik interjected, "It's the _Adventurers_' job to keep the land safe from peril. It's _our_ job to keep _them_ safe from such dangers as red tape, and communism,"

"Yeah," said Garbin, glaring, "but I'm tired of letting all those Adventurers have all the fun. I think we should take up an adventure of our own for once!"

"_After_ we get my robes back, of course,"

Dalron somehow acquired a battle-axe from the inner recesses of his armor and hefted the great weapon with two hands. "and the best part is that I'll get to use my axe. I _love_ axes,"

Garbin, who had previously dove beneath the great oak table, peeked up over the edge of it.

"Dalron, for Pete's sake, watch that axe! You almost decapitated me!" Dalron's eyebrows knitted as he pondered something.

"What's 'Pete's sake'?" he asked. There was a period of deathly silence as the trio exchanged glances.

"Must be another harbinger," Maddrik said finally, "That's three so far. Three indicates an enemy, there must be something big trying to ruin the Dukedom,"

"Where would this 'something' be?" Garbin asked, startled. Maddrik turned his eyes skyward, even though the sky was currently blocked by the ceiling. His burning eyes caught the light coming in from various windows around the Hall and devoured it greedily.

"Whatever it is, it's somewhere beyond what we can see here," Garbin whined, frightened. Dalron took up the same gung-ho attitude he approached every situation with.

"Does have a face I can bash in?" Maddrik's eyes, wide with what seemed to be fright, turned toward Dalron solemnly.

"Probably. From personal experiences with such things I can assume it has several faces,"

"Ooh, that means even more fun,"

"Right," said Maddrik, "Garbin, let's go find my robe, then we can work on this adventure you want to go on so badly,"

The Umbral Haven was vast. It seemed to go on for millions of miles in each direction, dwarfing the three companions as they ran along the tramped ground that they called a trail. The Haven was also dark. Its shadows could captivate even the most stalwart of Adventurer and lead him off the trail into the endless labyrinth of trees and enchantments to be swallowed up by the forest's hungry beasts. The trail itself was as confusing as the directions inside the Haven. As it ran a winding path through the forest, smaller offshoots lead away into the maze of trees and became roads to other places. The Umbral Haven Forest was the center around which all the Demesnes of various lords and ladies conferred beneath the will of the Duke of Earl. However, none of this would be evident if you watch the trio run along, shouting at one another.

"Dalron, slow down! You're making Garbin short of breath!"

"I'm fine!" Garbin shouted across the gap that spanned him and the other two, "I'll just levitate and catch up!" There was a strong rush of wind and Garbin rose from the dirt path and moved through the air to catch up with the armored warrior and the weirdo running in nothing but a pair of boxers and an outlandish shirt.

"How can you run so fast with all that armor on, anyway?" Maddrik was curious.

"Oh, I have my ways," Dalron called over his shoulder.

"Such as?"

"Well… it's a very complicated and mysterious process only revealed to those who undergo years of rigorous training, but trust me when I say it involves a lot of mince meat pie,"

"your armor's made of pie crust?"

"It is 'not' made of 'pie crust''

"Wait," Garbin cut in as he flew up behind the other two, "What did you just say?"

"I 'didn't' say 'anything'"

"Alright," said Maddrik, "if you 'say' so,"

They hurried along the poor excuse of a path like that for several minutes, until the view ahead was obstructed by the figure of a sweet old lady carrying a large basket of clothes. Recognition struck Dalron like a mallet.

"Hey, that's my aunt!" he shouted. The old maid turned around when she heard her nephew's voice.

"Well, that's… odd, I didn't know LAMP hired people who would die in a few years' time to work for them," pondered Maddrik as they caught up to her.

"Well, look here, sonny," she scolded, "I may be old, but I'm more deserving' o' some respect than that., and put some pants on, young man, before you catch a cold1"

"yes'm," responded Maddrik, despondent.

"Well… actually," Dalron said, "that's what we're here for. Maddrik needs his robes back, Auntie Em," The old woman looked at her nephew, and then at Maddrik, and thn at Garbin, hanging in the air about five feet off the ground.

"Well," she said, "The boy _does_ seem to be in need o' some coverins'. Just remember to b more respectful o' your elders, young man,"

"yes'm" Maddrik said, mortified.

"You're the one who wears the weirdo robe, right?" she asked. Maddrik was, by now, red with rage. _Weirdo robe?_ he thought, _Black and blue are not weirdo colors. They're very respectable, and she better show some respect soon. Or I'll…_

"Here ya' go, sonny," she said amiably, removing the dark garment from her laundry basket, "Just remember not to go turnin' any young ladies into sheep now, be nice to them, you hear?"

"Auntie," Dalron said, "Maddrik knows how to be polite to girls,"

The Lord Magus donned the high-collared robe and the cowl fit nicely on his head.

"Well, it's just that he doesn't look like the kind that deals with 'em too often,"

"Madame," said Maddrik, "The Order strongly looks down on those who spend their time in pursuit of lustful pleasures of the flesh. We instead focus on more practical and virtuous goals, such as the enslavement of demonic entities and the mastery of the Dark Things not known by humanity…yet," With that he smiled, confident that he had swayed the argument to his favor.

"What Order" Garbin cut in, "You're not part of any 'Order', you're a member of LAMP, and the handbook didn't say anything about what you just said,"

Maddrik turned to the High Wizard. The windy gust holding Garbin up dissipated beneath the spell-rending gaze of the Lord Magus. Garbin fell to the forest floor. Maddrik spoke, "No one asked for your opinion, Garbin,"

"Well," said Auntie Em, "He dresses like a homo, nonetheless. It's a shame when this great land of ours goes to people like him,"

That did it for Maddrik. The blue burning in his eyes intensified. His hands went up and gestured enigmatically. Dark words oozed from his mouth like blood from a fresh wound, covering the old woman. Blue light erupted from his hands and engulfed Auntie Em. She didn't scream, her new jaws wouldn't accommodate such a sound. She tried to run away, but she found that she had too many new legs to coordinate to that particular motion.

The frosty light faded, and in Auntie Em's place there was an old centipede, and the air smelled faintly of sulfur.

"Hah! Let's see her mouth off to me, now!" Maddrik stooped down and picked up the small arthropod. It dangled helplessly in front of him.

Dalron's heart was rent in two.

"Maddrik, what have you done?" He cried, jumping to his family's aid. He outstretched a plated hand and snatched the centipede away from the Lord Magus. He clutched it like it was an axe handle, while shouting at Maddrik.

"Don't you know to never transmorgify little old ladies! Hasn't anyone ever taught you any manners!"

"Fine, fine. I'll change her back, give me the little worm,"

"centipede,"

"whatever," Maddrik held out his arm, and Dalron extended his hand so that the centipede would be able to crawl into the Lord Magus' palm. It did not move.

"What?" Dalron brought his hand up to his helm to give the centipede closer examination. He froze.

"What is it?" Maddrik asked. Dalron slowly raised his head to glare into Maddrik's hooded visage. Grief filled his eyes and spilled forth like oily tears. The battle-hardened warrior sniffed a few times, and then he sobbed outright.

"What? What'd I do?" Maddrik didn't actually seem concerned about Dalron's Auntie, but rather he seemed to demand the amount of trouble he was in at the moment.

"Maddrik…" Dalron looked at him with red eyes. Then he fell to his knees, crying, "She's dead, crushed like a bug!" he sobbed. Maddrik's expression of concern cleared up.

"Oh, is that it?" he asked, "No big deal. I can just resurrect her,"

"As an undead minion!" Dalron shouted, outraged. He stood up. The forest floor seemed to darken, as if the sun had been eclipsed.

"Well, she'd still make a decent maid that way,"

"uh, guys…" Garbin said, worried.

"That's it, Maddrik! You're getting an ass-whuppin'" Dalron's mighty axe menaced the Lord Magus.

"guys--"

"Bring it on, tin man!" Maddrik's hands flared up in blue light. A fancy staff suddenly flamed into existence in his hand.

"Oh, I will!"

"Let's see it, then!"

"guys, I think you should--"

"Quiet, woman, this is Man Talk!"

"Wait," Garbin cut in, "Which one of you said that, exactly?"

There was a moment of quiet. Then fighting erupted between the Knight-Captain and the Lord Magus. Dalron's cold iron armor could deflected Maddrik's other-worldly spells. Whenever the warrior swung his axe, the wooden staff blocked it, reinforced by sorcerous means. They continued fighting until Garbin shouted.

"Guys! Cut it out, there's something fishy going on!" He breathed heavily while the other two looked at him, both enraged. Then Maddrik seemed to be struck by an idea.

"err… 'fishy'?" he asked, "I've never heard of that saying, before," Garbin seemed shocked. Dalron mourned over the squished centipede in his gauntleted hand.

"It be another harbinger," Maddrik said to himself, "but what is it harbinging of?"

"Probably him," Garbin said, pointing to the Beast that had just emerged from the surrounding foliage. It was probably at one time vaguely human-shaped. Now, however, it crouched wherever it went, and its body was covered in white bristles that resembled fur. Its face was warped into a long, wolf-like snout, and its nostrils resembled those of a bat. Its arms were draped in a bolero of flesh that stretched to become wings, which folded and unfurled whenever necessary. The Beast's eyes were blank. Its limbs ended in dagger-like claws. Darkness gathered around it like bees to pollen. It opened its fang-filled mouth and snarled at the trio.

"yum, fr3sh n00bzors. I gun pwn u all for k1cks,"

"What did it say?" Maddrik asked. The Beast pounced. Its throat gurgled out a bestial war cry. Maddrik tried to dodge out of the way, but wasn't quite fast enough. The Beast landed, arms outstretched, and its claws hooked on the Lord Magus' shoulders. He was dragged to the ground, and the creature whirled to sit atop his chest. The thing's weight was excruciating.

"Nobody kills Maddrik but _me!_" An axe gashed the Beast in the side, knocking it off balance and off Maddrik. It rolled and leapt again, howling. The handle of Dalron's axe met its midriff, and curled up in pain. Dalron raised the axe for the killing blow, when something else crashed into him, causing him to drop the weapon. This new threat wasn't a beast, but another man. He looked unshaven, and his eyes were completely black. Muscles rippled under his skin, and sweat poured from his bare upper body. He and Dalron wrestled, rolling on the ground.

The Beast regained its footing. It assessed its wound and snarled vaguely human words.

"heal plz!" it growled. Another man came rushing from the edge of the trees, dressed in dirty old robes, and much thinner than the other one. His eyes were also black, and his face glistened with sweat. The new man touched the Beast's side where the axe-gash was, and mutter commands of healing. The cells around the wound obeyed their orders and began to multiply and patch up.

Garbin took this chance and held out his hand at the Beast and healer while they were in one place, and called out.

"Na'al Kamman Zurgub, Agh Zan'shi Nit Mallack!"

His words reverberated off of the trees and shrubs until they seemed to fill the Forest. Then, at the zenith of their echoing sound, blinding white heat lightning thrashed out of the High Wizard's fingertips. It shot in five directions and then converged on the Beast and its healer. There was a loud bang and then silence.

Garbin stood stunned. There should have been a sharp cry of pain, but nothing happened. As his eyes recovered from the splitting light, he saw that a thin film wavered in the air around the Beast and the healer. While the woods around them had been charred black, the two of them were untouched.

"Dammit, Garbin!" Maddrik cried as he batted at the hem his robe. It had caught on fire from the High Wizard's lightning spell.

"I don't see you doing anything, Maddrik," Garbin taunted. Maddrik rolled his burning eyes and glared at the shield around Beast and the healer. Frightening words spilt from the Lord Magus' mouth and the filmy bubble turned blackish-purple. It blazed and began to contract, but a flash of golden light from the healer's hands caused the corrupted shield to dissipate. The Beast leapt once again, this time at Garbin, but Maddrik's staff caught it at the side of the head. There was a loud crack and the Beast fell, unconscious. Then the Lord Magus whirled toward Dalron and raised a hand at the mountain of a man that was twisting Dalron's limbs in incorrect ways. There was a blaze of deep blue fire and the man's scream tore the air. He writhed in pain as dark energy filled him. Dalron seized his chance and rose up on all fours and began groping for his axe. He could move his left arm just fine, but his right arm howled in agony whenever he tried to move it.

He found the axe and twisted his body to fling the axe at the healer. The thin man just howled, however, and bright golden light filled the path. Maddrik and Dalron covered their eyes. Garbin just let the light enter his optic nerves, which were already burnt out from a career of casting bright spells.

When the light faded, the threatening trio was gone.

"What was that?" Garbin asked.

"I don't know, but that… thing smelled like sulfur," Maddrik glowered.

"What's the significance of that?"

"When things--people, plants, animals, whatever--become shape shifted, they smell like that from the searing and re-shaping of matter,"

Dalron groaned and staggered up to his feet.

"Well," he said, "The normal monsters of this place don't normally have humans to help them,"

"That's a good point, Dalron, and that tells me that these assailants had different origins than the run-of-the-mill fodder around here,"

"Then," said Garbin, "We're going to have to get rid of them, because the way that thing talked harbinged like a crazy hobo,"

"That," growled Dalron, "and they made off with my Auntie!"

_Will our heroes be able to take out the trash, or will this fanfic drop off the website because I'm too lazy to keep writing? Read the next chapter to find out!_


End file.
